It’s a Dogs Life (5)

[Reorded voice] “… We are especially busy helping our customers with their mortgages just now…so it may take longer than usual for you to speak to an advisor… Thank you for your patience…the average wait is 30 minutes…. We are espec….”

This was my third attempt in one morning to reach a bank, any bank. Foolishly I had thought that just porting over my existing mortagage would be the most straightforwards. After 25 mins wait on that line I had been disabused of this as I was told (unbelievably!) that it might take between 9 and 11 weeks AFTER the telephone meeting, which could not be set until after an offer on this house had already been agreed – if, IF there were no complications.

“…We are especially busy helping…..[real voice]…Hello can I help you?”

Naturally I have just taken a bite of biscuit, and my phone (on speaker) has vanished amid the paperwork.

“Hellough!…hold on a second…” frantic scrabbling, followed by an excessively careful search of the phone screen to ensure that (this time) I do not end the call accidentally when I am switching off speaker.

I explain that I am looking to potentially take out a new mortgage, and that no I am not an existing customer , and that right now I am only enquiring , particularly about how long this process might take. And she patiently explains to me, that in order to answer even that simple query I must first, prove my name , address, date of birth, the amount I earned in the last Mayan calander year, my hat size, my email, a spare email, my mothers maiden name, a password, a better password…and did I say that I was NOT an account holder?

I am only further entertained because it so happens that in a past life I had an ISA with this bank which I failed to close (it still has interest in it). However I am able to progress on the strength of my 4p ballance.

“Oh I’m sorry Sir ..my computers just crashed. I’ll have to put you over to a colleague…”

[Recording] “Tall and tan and young and lovely the girl from Ipenima….”

After 5 mins I cautiously put the phone back on speaker. After 25 mins it dies.

I have already spent yesterday online with my existing bank, who – off the record – are able to confirm that while they would probably lend me the money (I have only been an in credit customer for 30 years), I’d need to go through the formal aplication process. This only takes a me couple of hours online (beacuse I have an existing account), a great deal of which is spent filling in information which the bank already hold. The process complete I have an email detailing that once I receive the book they are sending out (in the post) and sign the docusign which will follow they will be able to discuss the time to arrange an telephone interview . (“up to 6 weeks Mr Wilson, but see just now, it’ll be 6 weeks”).

Hence I am trying a different link. Of course this is in between waiting for the house ad for approval, which only takes – days, and looks great….except for the missing bits… and the wrong description… and the price – which wasn’t the discussed figure (or even close).

I don’t have time to write a Dogs Life, I have to phone bank X because I still have 4p invested there…

“”…We are especially busy helping…”

Next week

Is it even leagl to move if we are in Lockdown?