It’s a Dogs Life (15)

The story about British Gas…. (go make a cup of tea, its a long one)

Moving house in the middle of lockdown is NOT reccomended. Quite apart from the missing support- moral, or otherwise of ones friends and family – and the opportunity to reclaim the many favours owed for previous flittings – there are the hidden pitfalls that arise when everything must be done online, and everyone else is working from home. In this particular case, from home in South Africa….

This episode began on the very evening of removal day, when , as you might imagine, I had a great many other things to deal with.

The seller, who to be fair, had actually been very accomodating, handed me a card and “key” (a bit like a memory stick), with the observation that they were for the power “so I had some to be going on with.”

I was completely bamboozelled by this as I had (I thought) arranged my existing power company to take over supply and continue my contract. Also at no point prior had it been made clear that electricity and gas were both on prepayment meters (who knew?).

The previous owner explained that he had let the house out in the past, and had switched all the meters to prepayment. The card and key had £10 each so we didn’t suddenly run out mid removal. Very generous I’m sure, but it was still (unwelcome) news to me.

As the removal was in mid swing with boxes entering the door every minute, I asked for directions on these top-up items (I did once, in another life, have a coin op meter, which ran backwards when everything was off). All very straightforwards, plug the key in the electricity meter so, press button so, voila! £10 credit (now £11.23).

And the gas? Gas meter external in a box, open door – no key required because the door falls off (handy), insert card so…….and the meter says “Call Help”. (It also says -55p and Gas Off, although it is quickly and happily clear that the gas remains on.)

The ex-house owner then admits that he has never actually used the gas top-up himself, however his son- in – law has, and he only lives a few streets away….

Amid the chaos of removal, no-one can get the meter to stop with “call help” nor to accept the credit. Not the seller, not me , not the son-in-law – who, although he came to assist, did so with an air of “damn, not this again!”. Nor can anyone get an answer on the phone number printed on the card (discontinued in 1990something).

In the end I resign myself to the “gas Off” “Call Help” ” -55p” and return to the fray of unloading, climbing stairs, and essential assembly.

Day2: There is still a great deal to do, however as the gas actually goes off shortly after breakfast, this moves to the top of the pile. Fortunately we have plenty of physical work to keep us warm in mid January.

In what was to to be the first of many phone calls I become familiar with certain recorded messages;

“this number is no longer in use, please call…” (unbelievably true of about one third of the 20 plus contact numbers for British gas, including three 24hour emergency contact lines!)

“Due to the covid situation we are very busy, your wait may take longer than usual” This is perhaps fair, but automatically cutting you off after 40 mins on hold, is not.

“Please only call if you are having an emergency” -it’s mid January and I have no heat will that do?

“Please press one for…..” Any honest answer gets me cut off “I’m sorry we are not able to deal with that at this time. GOODBYE”

“Please describe in a few words…” After the fifth or sixth attempt I get wise here. Answers like “I wish to pay you a lot of money” get transfered forwards…

After several (wasted) hours of perseverence, I get to speak to a person! They have a strong Saaath AAfrikaan aaaccent,and, my guess is, a really cheap headset. The signal comes and goes, and my “Weegie patois” is not my friend here. Unfortunately (for me) I start off on the back foot since;

“I do not know the account number,”

and worse “I’m not the account holder”.

“I’ve just bought the house, I have NO gas. The meter says Call Help!”, there are only so many ways you can re-oreder those words, and in the end the message gets through, and they will send an engineer -today! It seems like a triumph, finally!

Sadly it was only the end of the begining. (to be continued…)

This is too painful to write all in one go, even just recounting the events requires the use of strong stimulants I’m away to take some just now.

Next week. Maybe something cheerful, maybe part 2, in which I discover all British gas call centre employees are in Saaath AAfrica (where, by the way, it’s warm in January) and all have bad headsets.