Featuring conversation with British Gaas in Saath Afrika (usually requiring 1 hour plus on hold to get through), and conversations with alternative energy supplier– whose name means “a very long period of time indeed” (refering to the waiting time to speak to their fractional better UK? based call centres),and email and text communication < > which bizzarely comes through at 11:30 pm on Saturday nights.
“I’d like to transfer from British gas..”
“Right sir leave that with us, it’ll take 2 weeks…”
< British Gas have stopped the transfer, you have to contact them>
“Oh I’m sarry Saa this haappens aw the time, it’s aan error here…”
“I’d like to transfer from British Gas….”
“Right Sir leave that with us it’ll take another 2 weeks”
<British Gas have stopped the transfer because you owe them money. You’ll have to contact them>
“Yes Saa it’s a fawt here, naw you don’t owe us any maney, we caan see thaat. It’s aw sorted naw”
“I’d like to transfer from British Gas”
“We’ll sort that for you…. ” It’ll take another 2 weeks? by any chance”
<British gas have stopped the transfer. You owe them money>
“Well Saa it saays here you owe as £3.18….Yes Saa, yo a correct, the law aactually saays thaat we caan’t stap the traansfer unless you owe mar than £500. No Saa yo do nawt owe as any money, It’s a mistake.…”
“Saa this is British Gaas It waasn’t very nice of you to haang up….I aabsaloutely promise, I will give this my parsonaal aatention. No Saa thas time there will be no Problem”
<British gas have stopped the transfer. You owe them money>
“Saa I undertand you’d like to raaise a complaint”
(Completely refined English voice) “I can see you had some issues….It’s a software problem connected to the prepay meter…the system objects automatically...no we can’t prevent it….but we can watch and hopefully cancel it off before it takes affect…hopefully, yes sir… Yes the law IS blinding clear on this sir, we’re not allowed to stop you leaving unless you owe £500 plus, and you don’t actually owe us anything, but we can’t …… I’ll phone you myself on the last day the system can object….11:30 on a Saturday…no probably not that much use…I’ll phone after the system can no longer object to let you know it’s all ok. Can I close the complaint now Sir?….Very well I’ll keep it open until the switch goes through then…..”
“I’d like to transfer from British Gas”
< Your account with Very long time indeed Energy is now open>
“Whoopie!”
“I’d like to change my meter from a prepayment to a normal one please”
“I’m sorry sir you need to have had your account for a month…”
“I’ve had my account a month now so I’d like a normal one please and I’d like to put the prepayment meter in a car crusher”
“Very good Sir i’ll just sort an Engineer appointment for you in about 2 weeks?”
<Your Engineer will be coming between 8-10 on Monday, if there’s a problem…>
<Your Engineer will be coming between 8-10 Tomorrow, if there’s a problem…>
“Hello I’m waiting for an Engineer appointment, its 11:30 now…”
“You’re in Scotland Sir?…we cannot carry out any non essential work…no sir no-one is coming…no sir it should not have been booked….Sir, are you sobbing sir.?….”
I thought the story might actually have an ending today, but the truly great stories carry on. They DO however carry out ESSENTIAL work…where’s my sledge hammer?
Next week on IaDL :Something cheery, oh god please something cheery.
Dalmallyfest the Asylum 