Just when you thought it was safe, to stand close to the edge of the water…(Tag line for Pirannah V “the flying fish”). Of course this whole idea has been completely pirated by the unlikely success (?) of the Sharknado films – thus demonstarting that there is indeed nothing new under the sun.
Freddie returns, Jason is not dead, the Alien is hiding in the lifeboat…It really should have been no surprise therefore to receive:
“Dear Sir, we are so sad to see you go. Here is your final bill. Love, British Gas” (IaDL 15&16)
The paper fell from my stricken hand. I felt a shortness of breath. The room swam before my eyes. I remember scrabbling at the drinks cabinet. I think I was saying “Brandy! Brandy!” or it might have been “B#stards! bloody b#stards!”. I may have swooned.
Naturally this arrived on a late Saturday afternoon. By Monday I had rallied, and at 8:30am prompt had the phone ringing to British Gas. I also had my Garlic, Consecrated wafer, Pointed Stakes, Silver crucifix, and extensive notes.
Astonishingly I get through in about 4 rings. I point out with icy precsion that that they only let me transfer away a month or so ago after confirming 5 times that I did not owe them any money.
“Ah but Sa, Dis is tha standing chaarge daating baakk to Aapril 2019 when you opened the aacount”
I calmly point out that I bought the house in January 21 and only took up residence on the 18th after which point I have been in communication with British Gas – it seems like every single day.
“I’m sorry sa, it is very clear that ya opened the aaccount on April 19, I have some notes thaat ya daatter waas in tach …”
“I don’t have a Daater, or even daughter…I bought the house in Jan…”
“I have nothing here to support thaat sa…”
“I might have made 121000 calls in January, are there any notes relating to that period?”
“Sa there aa lots of notes, I caannot read them all….”
“JUST READ THE DAMN NOTES FROM JAN 19th THIS YEAR….”
By this point I have bitten through the holy wafer, smashed the garlic with stake, and burned through the phone casing with the cross.
“I says ya haad a problem with ya meter just after ya moved in…”
“HOORAY!”
“Yes sa bat aappart from thaat note there is nathing, and It still saays you openned the aaccount on AApril 2019”
“JUST- MOVED -IN…”
“Ya’d haave to proove thaat sa….”
“Could I speak to a manager please”
“I caant do thaaat sa, Im working from home, I caan try aand traansfer ya?”Sa, I can’t get through sa, I’ll get them to caall you”
It’s barely 8:15 (possibly my shortest ever call to BG) and I’m exhausted. I’m tempted to pay the spurious bill just to finally get this done, but not only have I repeatedly been assured that I owe know money (On my pay as you go meter), I also know , through a mail mix up, that British Gas actually sent a substantial refund to the last owner- who daatter WAS living here, so there can have been no money owing from that period.
There things stand. If you’ll excuse me I’m going to have to sharpen some new stakes and try and wash out the garlic…
Next week on IaDL : I was raised by punctuality Nazis (and other unlikely headlines)
Dalmallyfest the Asylum 