(marking time)
Thank you all again, for the many cards, wishes, expressions of sympathy and support, the flowers, and the tree (you know who you are).
I am returned to work (night shift – naturally), but the funeral is still to come, and there is a strange “uncertainty”, or perhaps, “unreality” to life, as I wait for this chapter to be fully closed.
I have filled several days with an uncharacteristic focus on tidying and clearing (long overdue ) which I recognise easily as a displacement activity, and several bin bags with the accumulated detritus of years of “I’ll sort this later”.
Naturally, there is also some progress lost in -” I wondered where this had gone” – “I’d forgotten I even had this” – ” I haven’t seen this in ages…”.
There is certain perverse pleasure found in the removal of the seventh (full) bag from the dining/gaming/spare room, that I tend to inhabit, and look – there’s the floor inside the storage cupboard…
My grasp of psychology is fairly loose, but I suspect my desire to clear space outside, reflects a need to, or perhaps, an actual clearing of space internally, so I can confront, as I often do on these pages, the question “what is actually matters?” and I remember that I keep, in a mental drawer, a little crystal of frozen fear, that I can look through to find again that dreadful clarity… and it shows me – family, health, friends.
Next week on IaDL – New chapter.
Dalmallyfest the Asylum 